Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Hockey Moms to BOJoe: "Take off eh, ya hosers!"

Fellow Flacks, Hacks, Dumpster Divers, Dudes and Dudettes, we have the scoop on the latest power players in American Politics!

Is anybody else as giddy as we are about the whole "hockey mom" thing, besides Contrarian, of course, who actually played hockey(and Lacrosse)?

Really, this is a whole new demographic that has been thrust into the spotlight of national politics and could be a deciding factor in determining the outcome of the November election. So, in the spirit of informing the public and exploring the impact of this new political force, we here at the WPBCHQ have been sitting around this morning trying to decipher what a hockey mom is. Since everybody knows about "soccer moms", we think a little comparison might illuminate our discoveries. Here's a few things we found:

Soccer moms load up the minivan after an afternoon by the pool for the quick trip over to the sports complex for practice. According to the Contrarian, "back in the day we had to get up at like 5 in the morning to get over to the rink for practice". Nothing like getting outta the warm bed to drive over to a friggin' frozen man-made pond at 5 am. Early on in the discussion we've decided that this is not an activity for sissies.

The soccer mom spends three hours, usually at Dick's Sporting Goods in the mall, shopping for "just the right shoes" to match the kid's uniform. Soccer moms insist that the Parks Department provide practice fields. Contrarian tells us that, "Every winter, Dads would smooth out the snow in backyards around the neighborhood and flood the things so we could take shots after school." Hockey mom's don't worry about silly little things like color coordinated skates, or dental bills.

While the ever omnipresent soccer mom gets to kibitz around the football pitch in Ferragamo, the intrepid hockey mom is filling the thermos with hot cocoa (or peppermint schnapps, one suspects) and donning that fashion staple known as "the snowsuit", she makes sure she puts fresh batteries in the hand warmers. Leg warmers are optional.

When a soccer mom is getting that "Coppertone" tan, the hockey mom is checking for frostbite. No make-up breaks at halftime like those prissy soccer moms either. No, the hockey moms don't even take a potty break.

Hockey moms aren't concerned about that "extra twenty pounds" the soccer mom's are always whining about. Hockey mom's value a little extra insulation.

Soccer moms are into Tofu and bottled water. Hockey moms are more meat, pizza, and beer. Soccer moms do Chardonnay. Hockey moms do shots.

While the soccer moms go ballistic when little "Logan" gets bumped on his heiner in the soft green grass, the hockey mom urges little "Bronco" to hip-check the other kid into the next zip code. (Actually heard once at the rink: "Get up and skate it off, it's only a little ice bruise, you'll live!")

Soccer moms worry about braces for the kids. Hockey moms are more concerned with a good deal on dentures.

Politically, soccer moms think Bill Clinton is misunderstood. Hockey moms just think he's a dickhead.

Socially, soccer moms prefer wine-tastings and lawn parties. Hockey moms prefer Packers games - just for a little variety.

The soccer mom wants her kids to "get into a good school" but the hockey mom hopes her kid gets drafted to the ECHL. A Division I "Frozen Four" school is just the fall-back position.

There it is. We've decided these are some tough ol' broads. We'll keep digging, but based on what we've learned through exhaustive research and a couple rounds of frozen blender cocktails, the editorial board here at the WPBCHQ feels fairly convinced that the hockey moms are are going to be a formidable force in the November election, assuming it's not game night.

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